Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

this article brought to you by lions

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

Once again not all heroes wear capes

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?