[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
honestly, i need both:
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent