[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF