[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.