(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
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The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES