(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
You Might Also Like
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
im all 3
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
three things we don’t talk about
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102