[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
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and now we wait
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
New nose
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Monday
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.