Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

Uh oh…