One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
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Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam
sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.
whos laughing now?
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.