[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

You Might Also Like


Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.


I estimate 70% of my work conversations are just me quoting made up statistics.


Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.


me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed



me: i also got demoted


I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…


12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude


The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.


Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*


ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.