@CooperLawrence
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
@BoomBoomBetty
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
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@CooperLawrence
@CatherineLMK
I estimate 70% of my work conversations are just me quoting made up statistics.
@elle91
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
@clichedout
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
@kathay1973
I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…
@C00LpenNAME
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
@SusanRinell
My New Years resolution was to not have any sex.
Apparently
@anerdonfire2
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
@FeverFlave
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
@dave_cactus
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.