Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
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I estimate 70% of my work conversations are just me quoting made up statistics.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me: i also got demoted
I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider
12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
My New Years resolution was to not have any sex.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.