@PinkCamoTO One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
@BoomBoomBetty [watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
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@PinkCamoTO 
@Goofpoops Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
@karlainvt If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
@InternetHippo [i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”
@MikeZakarian Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
@rzarosco Ask a girl if she wants to dance. If she says yes then start shooting at her feet. Congratulations you are now Yosemite Sam
@amazymay72x sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.
whos laughing now?
@kramediggles If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
@3sunzzz I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
@NewDadNotes Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.