@BoomBoomBetty

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

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@CooperLawrence

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

@CatherineLMK

I estimate 70% of my work conversations are just me quoting made up statistics.

@elle91

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

@clichedout

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

@kathay1973

I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…

@C00LpenNAME

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

@anerdonfire2

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

@FeverFlave

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

@dave_cactus

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.