[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
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“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Nothing to do, you say?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong