Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

this is uni

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

◾️

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.