Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

5 ways to appear taller

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!