watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
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My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?