watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
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“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
This sounds bad:
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.