Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

March 16

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?

Me: Yes.

App: That would be nice, right? lol.

Me: what…

App: Sign in again.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.