Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

Encore…

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks