Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

pls suprot

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.