Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.