Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
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Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
TWEET CALL
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My life in a nutshell
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”