Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

God has abandoned us.

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year