Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid