Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.