Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.
One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.
The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
