Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Sir!!

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

[eats all your cotton candy]

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

my astrological sign is a french fry

Are these grass-fed oranges?