Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

I’m sorry…what?

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

⚰

Monday?
No. Next question.

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”