[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
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Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
I love twitter
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA