[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
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[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.