Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

Beards are a privilege, not a right

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

I Can’t Tonight…