Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

According to math, I’m broke

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel