Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

I already tried new things thanks.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene