*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
You Might Also Like
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Rather alarming headline…
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.