Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

Tastes like chicken.

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂