Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

I will never stop laughing at this

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.