Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

Is fructose made with real fruct?

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)