Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
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crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”