Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”