Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!