Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
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those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
What do you hear?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish