Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
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[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal