[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
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“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.