Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
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If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Imagine having a party on purpose.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.