Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
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[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Oh the world we live in…
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.