Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

car not found

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.