Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.