Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?