[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
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“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
My circle of trust is a meatball
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
crying
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee