[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
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Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I identify as an antique shop.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*