@squirrel74wkgn

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

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@SondraDeeMe

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

@WilliamAder

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

@alextranquada

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

@lecalabara

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

@UncleDuke1969

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

@mom_tho

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

@novicefather

I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.

@ShittySuze

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

@noog

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

@roxiqt

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.