White Castle for the Win
You Might Also Like
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
this is 10/10 content no notes
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
New tinder profile pic
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.