When your parents check you’re ok.
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ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Lmfaoooooo
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I know karate and tons of other words.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind