You got acute appendicitis ..
No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*
[watching lion king]
TIMON: hakuna matata
ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries
TIMON: it means no worries
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
cause of death:
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you’re taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure