Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
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What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Good morning, Twitter x
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?