Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
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Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
marvel comics have peaked
Looking at you, Jesus.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My kitchen overserved me.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.