Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
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good work, everybody
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Thursday Thought.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
tourist season
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*