Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
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they split up moments later
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?