Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
this is the kind of friend i am
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone