Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
You Might Also Like
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming