Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?