Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

Do not steal food from the science building!

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

All generalizations are stupid.

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.