A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
You Might Also Like
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Trying
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?