Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”