Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

You sure about that?

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.