*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
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Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
britain’s three elite institutions
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die