[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
You Might Also Like
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Do I believe in jinxes? Let me put it this way: I dropped and broke a mirror and one month later I was married.
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My dad is at it again
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.