[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
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When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …