[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
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On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
the rocks need my help
