[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
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[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Well well well…
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Brilliant!
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”