[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
You Might Also Like
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.