Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
You Might Also Like
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Grow up never but we old may grow we
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field