Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
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I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
