Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting

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My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”

I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.


so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”349553856545427457″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”165″;s:5:”tweet”;s:85:”I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it


I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.


If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily


Loan debt forgiveness is a state of mind.
I forgave myself for borrowing that much, and I am now healed. I hope my loan servicers stop living in the past.


The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.


My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.