Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
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Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.