Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

son: she literally knows nothing

me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function

son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world

me: now you’re getting the hang of it

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.