*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
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son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.