Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

This guy gets it.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

Hey! This isn’t my car!

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.