Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.