Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
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Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.